Exhaustion

One of the things that part-time wannabe writers must face is exhaustion. If you have no job, no kids, no responsibilities; then this probably doesn't worry you. You are free to write away. Most of us, though, are pretty strung out by the time we sit down to write even a sentence. For an example, I will use my own situation: full-time job, single dad of two, homeowner who is currently building onto his house, and until recently a part-time business student. It would be nice if I made enough money to hire others to do yard work or clean the house (or if the kids were old enough that I could use them for slave labor [soon!]), but alas, I must do all of that work myself. No wonder so many people fail to write anything.

I try to write often, but I often fail. To all of those who say you must write everyday, tell them to go fuck themselves. I'm tired, goddamn it. Not only does the blank screen mock me with its whiteness, I'm fighting to stay awake when I finally do sit down. The bed calls, TV calls, everything calls; hell, even exercise looks good in comparison to writing. Being mildly successful in seeing a handful of stories published doesn't really guarantee that the effort I put forth will result in anything. If I choose TV over writing, at least I'll gain some pop cultural awareness. So, why do it? Failure is a more likely outcome than success. My eyelids, heavy from working or picking up the house, really want to shut. My back would like me to hit the bed. My brain wants nothing more than to shut itself off. So, again, why do it?

The answer is obvious: I'm a mentally ill patient trapped inside my own mind. I have developed the delusion of a mundane life full of responsibilities in order to best deal with the horrible traumas that keep me in my dank cell. The rats nibble at my uneaten supper as I simply stare at the wall in my straight jacket, thinking of what genius will come from my typing fingertips so that I may show the world my worth. My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.My personal horrors do not define me. My personal horrors do not define me.

Bwahahahahahahahahahhhhahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Maybe I'm just tired?
Oh, well

Welcome Back. Now, Where Were We?

It's been nearly two years since I've paid attention to this thing. A lot has happened since then... and some of it was good; not all, but some. OK, more not all than some, but are you really keeping score? If you are, can I take a peak? I really should know where I am in the great game of life. I'm where? Really? Is there some extra credit I could do to jump ahead? Hard work and dedication and never give up? OK, ok, I see what you're saying. Is there someone else I could talk to? Do you have a supervisor? What's that? You're simply an imaginative device I'm using for comedic dialog with the universe? Is it comedic? Oh, what do you know? Fuck me? That's not a nice thing for the universe to say to me. You really hurt my feelings. OK, I forgive you.

Where were we? If you ever read this damn thing, you know that I write, sporadically, and have a few stories out there. I'm also a movie geek. I've come to regret the title of this blog as it now seems very imprecise. I do like to read and write crime fiction, but to tag myself as "Noir Writer" seems a bit too much. To tell you the truth, I never thought anyone would read this thing and I took the name because it was available.

OK, my writing career. That's funny. I have not stopped writing, but I have stopped submitting for a couple of reasons: 1) I don't think anything I've finished is good enough yet, and 2) I haven't finished anything. More no. 2 than no. 1. I plan on changing that. Here I am declaring that I am rededicating time to write. I will place my ass in front of this computer with a frequency that my ass hasn't seen in some time. What will I first tackle with this new found enthusiasm? Why with a blog post that no one will read. Smart. But I think of this as an exercise in writing. This is a chance for my fingers to remember the flow of keystrokes while my brain stretches its ability to string together coherent sentences, you know, before I start the good stuff.

OK, now on to the good stuff. Just waiting for inspiration to take hold. Any minute now. Aaaaaannnd: now! Ok, not there yet. Be patient. Be patient. Be patient. Why is this blank screen so white?!? It's like it's mocking me with how empty it is. Damn you! Damn you to hell, blank screen! OK, I guess I'll grab a snack now and come back. Oh well.