Thursday, January 25, 2007

Hump the Stump

This flash first appeared on Tribe's Flashing in the Gutters site in May, 2006. It's probably my favorite. The story really reflects my warped sense of humor, and it was also a jab at someone I don't like - how very zen of me. If you haven't read the story, skip down and read it, because I may give some things away here.

First, there really is a sperm poem out there. This poet actually wrote a poem about her husband's sperm. She read it during a poetry reading, not once, but twice! And all I could think of was, What did this poor bastard have to go through for this terrible poem? I just imagined a guy who had bitten off his arms and legs to get away, but was trapped and had to provide "inspiration" on a regular basis. I called him, The Stump. The poor guy has been fodder for me for a little while now, as I constantly refer to Stumpy (it's my affectionate nickname for the guy) in e-mails to some of my friends.

I would love to write a sequel for Stumpy, but there hasn't been any ideas as wonderful as this first story. And I want nothing but the best for Stumpy. And, if you wanted, I think they're still taking nominations for the Derringer awards, so won't you show Stumpy a little love?

Hump the Stump

By Stephen Allan


I wasn’t always a stump. People used to say I bit off all my limbs just to get away from my coyote ugly wife. When I sobered up after the accident that might have been true, but the surgeons had already taken my arms and legs. We met when I was a drunk, which explains a lot. It was a friend’s wedding. She actually left by ambulance after mistakenly eating some seafood. Allergies. I’ve been a fan of shrimp cocktail ever since.

The stump thing sucks, but you get used to it. I lay in bed and watch TV most of the day. Insurance even paid for a robotic arm that I can control with my tongue. Neat little device. I have a mini-fridge stocked with juice and snacks, and use my mechanical arm to feed myself. It isn’t too bad, at least not until she comes home.

I guess you might ask how a man with no arms and no legs can kill his wife. It’s possible. You have to know her, what she’ll do and then anticipate it. And when my wife said she was writing another goddamn poem, I knew I had to do it.

She had published one poem, and I hated it. The poem was about me. Actually, it was about my sperm. At open mic nights, she’d wait until the end before shocking the audience with it. And after she finished reading, there’d be hesitant applause followed by uncomfortable looks. My wife thought it great. It wasn’t. I can’t stand her writing, especially that goddamn poem.

After the big markets rejected the sperm poem, some obscure poetry journal accepted it for a contributor’s copy.

“I’m gonna write another one,” she said when the sperm poem issue came in the mail. “A sequel. And I’m gonna need your help. Tomorrow night.” Then she made a sucking noise.

Oh my fucking god, I thought. But, I quickly realized my opportunity to get rid of her.

My nurse Freddie came this morning. I asked for a shrimp cocktail for lunch. Freddie fixed it for me and placed it in my mini-fridge. I thanked him when he left. As soon as he was gone I took a shrimp out and rubbed it on my cock.

I’ve been doing that all day and only stopped when she came home from open mic night at the bookstore. She walks into the bedroom with nothing on, but she’s carrying a pen and notepad. And now the hard part, literally: I have to get it up.

She scribbles a few notes as she exercises her jaw.

“Ready, baby?” she says and doesn’t wait for a reply. She begins and I think of the latest Victoria’s Secret catalogue.

She stops and coughs. She writes a couple of lines and then brings up some phlegm before starting again.

Jesus, I hope she doesn’t bite it off.

I feel the inevitable coming when she suddenly stands and grabs at her throat. No air is going in or out and she’s turning purple. She rushes to the phone and pounds on the numbers, but I had Freddie disconnect it earlier. She drops the cordless and goes to her knees. She looks up, but her eyes are going into the back of her head. She collapses and then jerks for a while before she is still. The pen finally falls out of her hand and rolls along the hardwood floor until it stops by the television stand.

Once I know the world is safe from any more bad poetry, I use the robotic arm to open the mini-fridge and finish the rest of the shrimp.

Originally published in Flashing in the Gutters, May, 2006.

2 comments:

pattinase (abbott) said...

Loved it then. Love it now. R.I.P. FITG. We hardly knew ye.

sexy said...

情趣用品,情趣,情色,成人,A片,自拍,情趣用品,情趣,色情,成人影片,色情影片,免費A片,情趣用品,情趣,成人網站,A片下載,日本AV,做愛,情趣用品,情趣,美女交友,A片,辣妹視訊,情色視訊,情趣用品,情趣,色情聊天室,聊天室,AV,成人電影,A片,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣商品,情趣,情趣

情色,A片,AIO,AV,日本AV,色情A片,AV女優,A漫,免費A片,A片下載,情色A片,哈啦聊天室,UT聊天室,聊天室,豆豆聊天室,色情聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,080視訊聊天室,080聊天室,080苗栗人聊天室,免費視訊聊天,上班族聊天室,080中部人聊天室,視訊聊天室,視訊聊天,成人聊天室,一夜情聊天室,辣妹視訊,情色視訊,成人,成人影片,成人光碟,成人影城,自拍

情趣用品,A片,AIO,AV,AV女優,A漫,免費A片,日本AV,寄情築園小遊戲,情色貼圖,色情小說,情色文學,色情,色情遊戲,一葉情貼圖片區,色情網站,色情影片,微風成人, 嘟嘟成人網,成人,成人貼圖,18成人,成人影城,成人圖片,成人影片,UT聊天室,聊天室,豆豆聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,080聊天室,080苗栗人聊天室,080視訊聊天室,視訊聊天室

情趣用品,A片,aio,av,av女優,a漫,免費a片,aio交友愛情館,a片免費看,a片下載,本土自拍,自拍,愛情公寓,情色,情色貼圖,色情小說,情色文學,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,色情遊戲,嘟嘟情人色網,一葉情貼圖片區,色情影片,情色網,色情網站,微風成人,嘟嘟成人網,成人,18成人,成人影城,成人圖片,成人貼圖,成人圖片區,成人小說,成人電影

情趣用品,情趣,情趣商品,自拍,UT聊天室,聊天室,豆豆聊天室,哈啦聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,080聊天室,080苗栗人聊天室,H漫,A片,AV,AV女優,A漫,免費A片,愛情公寓,情色,情色貼圖,色情小說,情色小說,情色文學,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,色情遊戲,SEX,微風成人,嘟嘟成人網,成人,18成人,成人影城,成人圖片,成人貼圖,成人圖片區

情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣,情趣,情趣商品