Parenting 101

So, a friend of mine sent me one of those group fwd messages we all get from friends and family about parenting. It was a tongue in cheek list of how to prepare for children ("carry a wet bag around the living room for four hours straight while listening to nothing but static on the stereo at high volume", etc.) Anyway, being my smart ass self, I thought I'd reply with my own parenting tips:

This was the reason I built a chicken coop in the
backyard. You can feed them through the wire mesh
(Blue Seal Feeds has a sale on right now), hook up a
hamster water bottle on the side. Who needs diapers
when they can go wherever they please on the grass?
Winter isn't a problem because I set up a space heater
in there - just have to check to make sure they
haven't passed out from CO2 poisoning. When DHS shows
up, I just tell them it's a "club house" that the kids
love.

And you really don't have to name them. My kids will
come running when I call them "Urgh" and "Oog". And
get yourself some Beggin' Stripes - they don't know
it's not bacon - god, they love that stuff.

Of course, you may need to get a fence. After a day of
digging holes, they might try to run to the neighbor's
house or the police station. I set up one of those
invisible fences where you put the shock collar on
them. Jesus, I just sit on the back porch and watch
them try to leave the yard. ZAP!! It's the funniest
thing you could ever see. Good times. Kids are
definitely worth it.