Quotes, etc.

From the Borowitz Report:

Supreme Court Gives Gore’s Oscar to Bush


From The Onion:

Excited Red Sox Fans Eagerly Await Debut Of Matsuzaka's 'Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion'

"Boston fans are the greatest fans in the world," Matsuzaka told reporters through an interpreter upon being asked if he had left Japan out of fears that his Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion might split Mount Fuji, strike the rising sun from the sky, and awaken the wrathful atomic lizard Gojira. "I'm very happy and excited to be a member of the Red Sox."

From Real Time with Bill Maher:

"People want to be over with Bush. And psychologically, if the next race has started, in our head, we kind of think, oh, OK, we're done with President Albatross and we're on to the next thing."

"Say what you want about people who read while they drive, at least it's reading."

"Believe me, there are men out there who think a woman president might get PMS and do something completely rash, like start a war with the wrong country."

From The Tonight Show:

"Last night on Fox they had the premiere of Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? Or as President Bush calls it: Jeopardy."

"The big story in Newsweek: Will Bill embarrass Hillary during the campaign? I don’t know, do you really think that’s a problem? You think it’s possible for Hillary to be embarrassed by Bill anymore? Outside of Bill Clinton being caught in bed with the Rev. Ted Haggert, I don’t think it’s possible to embarrass Hillary anymore. "

From: The Late Show with David Letterman:

At the Oscars: "I thought Britney Spears looked tremendous. Didn’t she look great? Then it turned out it was Jack Nicholson."

"Hugh Heffner, 80 years old, publisher of Playboy, is getting married. 27-year-old bride. He’s 80, she’s 27, and you can already hear the high heels clicking down the halls of the Supreme Court."

From Conan O'Brien:

"Krispy Kreme announced they’re coming out with a low-fat, 180 calorie, whole wheat doughnut. This amazing whole wheat doughnut is called a bagel."

"Paris Hilton threw herself a birthday party this week, and she brought two dates. Which explains why Paris told her guests, 'No cake for me; I had a sandwich in the car.'"

From Overheard in New York:

"Shhh, don't say the N-word, we're surrounded by white people!"