Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Did you know...

that when a human body hits the pavement from a thirteen-story fall it sounds like a shotgun going off? Apparently the body is so damanged that regular body bags can't be used because picking up the body would be like picking up a leaky garbage bag full of lumpy oatmeal. I guess NYPD has a special device they use for such occasions that looks something between a snow scooper and a hand cart - and (to make this extra disgusting) they place a board on the other end from the scoop so the sloppy remains will stay in place.

I found all of this out this morning from my boss who was talking to a friend in Manhatten over the phone when a woman fell out of her thirteenth story window and ended up on the street. He actually heard the bang over the phone. He told me this before I ate my breakfast, but hey, I'm writing this while I eat my lunch.

And now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

On Finding Personal Gems

Last night I rummaged through my writing folder on my desktop and went over some unfinished stories, some of which I hadn't looked at in nearly a year, and discovered something pretty cool: I liked it. Well, most of it. Just about everything I read needed work, or needed me to finish the first draft; but I saw potential. It really gives me hope that maybe I know what I'm doing and perhaps have a little talent.

OK, confession time, I do believe I have some talent. Well, probably more than I admit in public. Deep down inside I have an arrogant prick who thinks he's hot shit when it comes to writing. I think most writers do, or at least they should. If writers didn't have that inner egoist I don't think they'd continue. As modest as I am (people have told me that I cannot take a compliment at all) I do like my stuff, at least most of it. There is still plenty of shit that plops onto my computer screen that even my arrogant side realizes is not that good. But when I write something that I enjoy, then that's it, I'm as smug as can be and probably a bit insufferable until I write my next groaner of a sentence.

So, I'm going back to my little lost orphans of half-finished stories and salvage them. I may even let the world read them. Would you like that?

Monday, January 28, 2008


Are you like me? Do you write until your interest just peters out? There are times when I write I feel like I'm pushing further down a narrowing hallway only to get stuck without any more momentum or interest in continuing. It doesn't last. I just come to a corner and stop, and come back later when the corner seems to have disappeared. Whenever I do this my writing gets noticeably lazier. There is the basic sentence with generic verbs. I don't even try. For example, if I had a character who ran across the freeway needed to dodge cars before getting to the burning building at the other end, my lazy sentence would read something similar to what you just read. Bobby jumps over the fence and dodges cars and gets to the burning building. That whole action should probably take at least a good paragraph, if not more; but since I just want it down on paper before I forget it, I basically write the blueprint, hoping that I will go back later and fill in all that necessary prose and stuff.

Is that writing or note taking? And can I count it in my daily word count?

Friday, January 25, 2008

List of Things 1/25

I am determined to finish this damn book, even if it kills me.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

My Life of Crime

Before Rickard's Mystery Circus shit the bed, I wrote a short essay for the front page. It altered people's perspectives, made babies weep and changed history forever. And while humanity hasn't been the same since, the essay that was this major catalyst hasn't been available since the Circus left town - even though I've stubbornly kept the link on this blog. However, due to popular demand I've decided to post the essay again. Yes, now schoolchildren everywhere will have the opportunity to read this wonderful piece without relying on their elders' memories of what it once said. And for all of you doctoral students out there, when you cite the essay as the main document of your dissertations, make sure you spell my name correctly.

My Life of Crime

I don’t think there was ever a conscious decision on my part to become a crime writer. I just sit at the computer and what I type out just happens to include criminal mischief of one kind or another. Of course, there is plenty of anguish and sweat and swearing while I’m writing, but the type of story comes relatively easy. I had never really thought about it until my mother read one of my stories and promptly asked: Why are you so weird? Then she went on about how I must have been switched at birth, something about the sign of the anti-Christ and then she fell down weeping.

So, why? The easy answer is: I don’t know. But then this little essay would be really short and no one would receive any insight, especially myself. I guess I have to do a little digging to get to the answer.

OK, let’s start with me as a person. Even though my mother spent years trying to find that 666 mark on my skull (all she could find was 999), I’m just an everyday average and ordinary guy. I like average guy stuff: cars, beer, women, explosions – your typical Maxim table of contents. Aha!, you’re thinking to yourself, that’s the reason. He’s a guy and guys like violence and mischief and that all falls into the whole crime arena. Now that I’ve figured that out, I can go eat some pudding. But wait, put that spoon down.

Testosterone may play a part, but I think it is only a small part. If every crime writer could answer why they write what they do by saying testosterone, the Laura Lippmans and Sue Graftons of our genre would be booking appearances on Maury Povich. A writing career based solely on testosterone would only benefit you if you wrote the screenplay to Commando. Besides, if my male hormones were my only motivation…I’d probably be knitting a sweater.

Another possible explanation is that I’m a media junkie. Newspapers, music, television, comics, movies, smoke signals; and yes, even books. I have many influences (including Commando) and I do tend to gravitate toward crime stories. Well, there you have it, you’re saying to yourself, he writes what he likes. Now can I have my pudding? Not yet. If all I wanted to do was imitate what I’ve seen, read and heard; what’s the point? I could just spend my days writing Commando fan fiction, but I’m reserving that until after my family leaves me and I’m living in a rusting Winnebago on cinder blocks. I should mention that I want to be a good crime writer. Influences may help direct you, but they can’t dictate why you write.

I used to be a bad reporter. I hated it. It was one of the worst jobs of my life and I should have realized that what I wanted to be was a writer not a journalist, but it took some time for me to realize that. Oh Christ, he’s gonna cry. Don’t get any of your friggin’ tears in my pudding. Don’t worry, your dessert is safe. I’ve been over that little occupational failure for a couple of years now. But one incident sticks in my mind. One day I went to take some photographs of the outside of a local bar where a fatal shooting had happened only a few nights before. There were flowers on the sidewalk and notes tacked to the side of the building for the barkeeper who was killed. She was only doing her job by cutting off a drunk who had too much. He disagreed with her, went to his apartment and came back with a shotgun. I went to snap a couple of pictures on my way to yet another city council meeting, not thinking that anyone would be there, but sitting beside the closed bar was a friend of the bartender reading the messages left behind. She told me she had been in the tavern that night and watched as the shotgun blast ripped her friend’s chest open. She told me about the panic and fear. And then she described what the killer had done after shooting. He had simply sat down at a table, like he had just finished some basic chore, and waited for the police to arrive. “Why?” she asked. “Why did he have to shoot my friend?” I couldn’t answer her. I took some notes and left her on the sidewalk, but the question has stayed with me.

When I think about it, the biggest reason I’m a crime writer is because I want to answer her question. Why do we do the things we do to each other? I guess examining the human experience is the purpose of all literature, but crime writing really cuts to the core of social existence. Do I think I’ll ever have the right answer? I doubt it, but maybe I can find some type of understanding.

Now, are you going to share any of that pudding?

Originally published on The Mystery Circus website.

This was the author's photo attached to the article:

It was noted that the author feeds on a healthy diet of young children.

Friday, January 18, 2008


Here is the list of things I've been doing this week.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

The Love of Destruction

This week I've spent more time on my writing than I have in a long time, however, I've also spent most of the week watching Mythbusters and the auditions for American Idol. I'm not a fan of the singing show once the auditions are over - I feel it's just a showcase of mediocrity - but the auditions are awesome. Where do they find these freaks? I can't help but to laugh at these people who seem to think they have talent and go completely ape shit when they get turned down. I'm a bit more sympathetic with the ones who genuinely thought they had a chance and get turned down and take it with some amount of humility. But I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the weirdoes, like this guy:

Who knows if that guy was for real, but there are plenty of people who are borderline looney. Maybe it's a character flaw, but I love watching them. I couldn't care less of the "talented" ones who get to go to Hollywood.

Last night while I watched these wretched auditions, I kept flipping to Mythbusters, which is the television equivalent of hanging out with your buddies and playing with matches and gasoline. One of the myths they were testing was whether a bullet could pierce a propane tank and cause it to explode. They tried a pistol, but it didn't work. They tried using a rifle, tried tracers, none of which caused the tank to explode. They finally attached a small explosive to the tank - and the goddamn thing burst into a beautiful ball of flames. But they decided to use a friggin' mini-gun, which fires 50 rounds a second, armed with incendiary bullets. Again, a wonderful result of fire and destruction.

And as I flipped back and forth between both programs I realized that they had more in common than one would think. The reason I like both is that they both display destruction and ruin. We enjoy watching things being destroyed. A person who self-destructs in front of three idiots who they think holds their future in their hands is just as fun, albeit more guilty on the part of the witness, as watching something explode.

Another example is the glee I get from watching Brittney go completely nuts. You follow it with a certain amount of unbelief, but admit it, it's a form of entertainment to watch a star spiralling down to the bottom. Paris Hilton off to jail? Awesome. O.J. back in court? Pure heaven. These are our gladiators. Are we not entertained? Yes, but we're always hungry for more.

Poltics can be the same. When Hillary teared up (and showed there was an actual human being under there somewhere) and was behind in the polls in New Hampshire, pundits and news commentators were happy as hell watching what they thought was her downfall.

Violence? It's the same thing. I like to watch violence in movies, on TV, or read it in books. (But let's clear something up right now, I'm talking about glamorized violence in action movies or in football, not violence against the innocent - that is completely ugly and disgraceful.) I thought Hostel was a great movie, and I found myself laughing at many parts that some may find rather disturbing, and would question my sense of decency and humanity. But it's destruction.

The Hindu god Kali was the god of creation and destruction, and I always thought it was weird that one would worship a god of destruction. But I can see it now. However, I am not a theology student and have zero knowledge of any world religion, so my theories may be way off base in relation to the true meaning of Kali or anything else.

Am I the only one like this? Because I enjoy watching flame wars on the internet, or the demolision of a building being torn down, or Bruce Willis taking down a helicopter with a New York City police cruiser; does that make me a bad person? What about you guys and gals?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


I can't tell you how much it pisses me off when one person tells another person how they can and cannot express themselves, especially when the one criticizing is another writer. I'm sorry but you've failed to realize what it means to be an artist. What happened to this "marketplace of ideas" that we as writers are supposed to embrace? Because you cannot understand irony means others can't use it? Ridiculous.

This didn't happen to me, but to a friend of mine (who has already written about it); however since it happened within a group of people I have a connection to, in a group that I helped start, it offends me just as much as if someone had slapped me in the face. Right now I'm thinking about severing ties to this group, as sad as they would make me.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Golden Globes - How'd I Do?

When the Globe nominations were announced I posted my predictions. Now that the Hollywood Foreign Press has held its own press conference, let's see how I did.

Best Picture - Drama
My pick: Atonement
Winner: Atonement

Excellent! Am I good or what?

Best Actress - Drama
My pick: Julie Christie
Winner: Julie Christie

Two for two!

Best Actor - Drama
My pick: George Clooney
Winner: Daniel Day-Lewis

To my credit, I did write that Day-Lewis should win.

Best Picture - Comedy or Musical
My pick: Sweeney Todd
Winner: Sweeney Todd

Yeah, batting .750.

Best Actress - Comedy
My pick: Amy Adams
Winner: Marion Cotillard


Best Actor - Comedy
My pick: Johnny Depp
Winner: Johnny Depp

Still doing pretty good.

Best Animated Film
My pick: Ratatouille
Winner: Ratatouille

That's right, I'm that good at this.

Best Foreign Language Film
My pick: The Kite Runner
Winner: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

Did not see that coming.

Best Supporting Actress
My pick: Julia Roberts
Winner: Cate Blanchett


Best Supporting Actor
My pick: Javier Bardem
Winner: Javier Bardem

Oh yeah, back on the saddle.

Best Director
My pick: Tim Burtin
Winner: Julian Schnabel

Only to fall off again. Schnabel? Interesting choice. Very unpredictable.

Best Screenplay
My pick: Joel and Ethan Coen for No Country for Old Men
Winner: Joel and Ethan Coen for No Country for Old Men


Best Score
My pick: Atonement
Winner: Atonement

Oh yeah, I'm back on track.

Best Song
My pick: Eddie Vedder fror "Guaranteed" (Into the Wild)
Winner: Eddie Vedder fror "Guaranteed" (Into the Wild)

I'm smoking.

Best TV Series - Drama
My pick: House
Winner: Mad Men

OK, you can't get them all. I'd like it noted that I wrote that Mad Men should win.

Best Actress - TV Series Drama
My pick: Kyra Sedgwick
Winner: Glenn Close

I also said that Close should win, however I thought the Hollywood Foreign Press would go for Sedgwick's horrible southern accent.

Best Actor - TV Series Drama
My pick: Hugh Laurie
Winner: Jon Hamm

OK, I'm a little shakey with the TV stuff.

Best TV Series - Comedy
My pick: 30 Rock
Winner: Extras

Very shakey.

Best Actress - TV Series Comedy
My pick: America Ferrera
Winner: Tina Fey

Another case in which the person I picked who should win, did in fact win, but my prediction on who will win was completely wrong. Shouldn't I get at least partial credit?

Best Actor - TV Series Comedy
My pick: Alec Baldwin
Winner: David Duchovny

Jesus, I can't pick any of these.

Best Mini-Series or TV Movie
My pick:Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee
Winner: Longford

What the hell? It's like quick sand.

Best Actress - Mini-Series of TV Movie
My pick: Debra Messing
Winner: Queen Latifah

I'm going down.

Best Actor - Mini-Series of TV Movie
My pick: Jim Broadbent
Winner: Jim Broadbent

Finally! I think this is the only TV win I got right.

Best Supporting Actress - TV
My pick: Katherine Heigl
Winner: Samantha Morton

I'm terrible here.

Best Supporting Actor - TV
My pick: William Shatner
Winner: Jeremy Piven

Wow. The TV categories kicked my ass. Let's do a tally.

Movies (14 categories): 9 out of 14

Television (11 categories) 1 out of 11

Well, onto the Oscars. Do you think they'll just do a press conference too? That was pretty convenient for everyone involved.

Friday, January 11, 2008

This Should Be an SNL Skit

Who needs the WGA? I doubt anyone could make this shit up.

Here Are Some Words That Rhyme With Corey*

Books, Movies, Albums that have kept me occupied over the past week:

* A gold star to whoever gets this reference

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Goodbye Hillary. Oh, Wait...

She ain't crying today. OK, is it that surprising that she did so well in New Hampshire? Yes, Obama gained a huge boost after Iowa, but the scales tipped so dramaticly that it was a bit of a stretch to think that so many people had changed their mind in a matter of a couple of days. Or were people so much on the fence that they didn't truly decide until they were in the ballot booth? Chris Matthews called it one of the greatest upsets in political history. Really? A candidate who was the frontrunner for over a year dips in the polls a few days before the Primary only to win it, and suddenly she's the comeback kid.

I think the media was so hungry for the possible toppling of the big frontrunner that they began to believe and promote that idea. They were hoping for a Howard Dean "heeya!" meltdown. But that didn't happen. What went wrong with the polls? Couldn't have been the media's fault could it? Nah. There has to be another reason, like racism. Yes, since Obama is black (or at least mostly black, maybe 50/50?) the race card comes to the forefront. But it isn't being used by the Obama campaign - they're progressive enough to think beyond using race as a strategy and thinking the American public (or at least those who aren't still fighting the "Northern Aggression") will rely on it as the only deciding factor - no, the race card is being used by the media as an excuse for their failings. That's right. The media didn't count on New Hampshire being populated by racists, that's why the polls didn't match the results.

OK, let's think about this for a moment in terms of demographics. According to exit polls, more women and registered Democrats voted for Hillary, while more men and registered Independents voted for Obama. Using the logic of the race excuse, women and Democrats are more racist than men and Independents. Blacks shouldn't be afraid of The Man, they should be afraid of The Woman. Jesus, it wasn't like these people were voting for David Duke.

Now, if Obama had won, could the state then be considered sexist because they didn't vote for a woman?

What New Hampshire did (and let's not forget, we're not talking about a whole hell of a lot of delegates here) was promote the preception that this is now a two-person race between Obama and Clinton with Edwards hoping to hold on until February 5.

On the Republican side, which doesn't have as much drama as the Democrats, McCain won the same state primary that he won 8 years ago. You mean to tell me that John McCain had support in New Hampshire? This might be the highlight of McCain's campaign. Despite so many people criticizing McCain's speech last night, I thought it was pretty good, maybe a greatest hits version of past speeches, but still good. Not nearly as good as Obama, I mean holy shit that guy can give an incredible speech. Personally, I think McCain is the only good candidate the Republicans have; but I haven't been too keen on the Republicans in quite some time - and considering the legacy the Bush Administration is leaving behind, it will be a long long time before anything Republican seems really appealing, at least until the moderates get their heads out of their asses and do something besides bending over for the social conservative/big business crony nutcases in the GOP.

So, nothing was settled for the Republicans, other than the continued revealing of Romney's Emperor's New Clothes campaign. Then again, if the top spot continues to go to different candidates with Romney holding steady at number 2 each time, he could still win the nomination. Hey, it's a strategy.

So, onward to Michigan and Nevada. Yippee!

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Should We Weep for Humanity?

WTF? In the less than 24-hour period since I posted yesterday's little piece on what bizarre searches lead to my blog, these keywords sprout up:

dog fucking stories (twice!)
dog fuck, stories
dog fucking
fucking the neighbors wife short stories (twice!)
Wyoming porn
small stump
hump my stump
wire cameo laura lippman
laura lippman wire cameo

Four people looking for some canine action, one person hoping for dirty pictures from Cheyenne, a couple of people looking for some quality fiction on the carnal activities of the neighborhood and a few surfers hoping to catch their favorite writer on the TV (which of these kids is not like the other?). I guess these are my readers. Maybe I should just accept it and cater to their tastes. So, look out tomorrow when I talk about how to screw the pooch, read some literature on your Wyoming neighbor's wife riding a stump while watching HBO. I'll probably get the most hits ever.


Monday, January 07, 2008

Search Me

On a lark I checked the keywords people use when they stumble upon this little blog. Want to see what people are searching for? These are swaer-to-god real searches that resulted in hits on my blog.


steve allan band [Never been in a band, or at least not since junior high.]
steve allen new york sex [Maybe the next time I'm in town.]
steve allan strippers [All paternity tests came back negetive.]
steve allan released from jail [My friends from the big house trying to reconnect.]
death of steve allan [Explanation, please!]
steve allen, hell [Oh, I hate it when people spoil the ending.]


my neighbor is a prick [Hostile.]
that fucking neibors barking dog [Transference.]
shut next door fucking dogs up [Strategize.]
neighbor shoots barking dog [I love it when a plan comes together.]


stories of fucking my neighbor [Isn't it nice to get along?]
fucking the neighbor stories [Yeah, you mentioned that already.]
fucking story of neighbour [Well, don't wear yourself out.]
fucking my neighbor stories [Can't you think of anything else?]
fucking the neighbors wife short stories (5 hits) [At least you've moved on.]


stories of dog fucking [I'm sure this type of search is rare.]
story of fucking of dog [It's probably one or two sickos.]
dog fucking stories (2 hits) [Or up to four weirdos.]
fucking dog stories (5 hits) [What the fuck?]
fucking dog blogspot [People will blog about anything.]
storys about wifes fucking dogs [Why are these people coming to my site?]
fucking neighbors dog stories [Is this in place of the neighbor or in addition to?]

small stump [It's not the size that matters...]
arm stump fuck [Unless we're talking about it in relation to the elbow.]
hump a stump (3 hits) [Sounds like a bumper sticker.]
hump my stump (2 hits) [Sounds too demanding.]
stump fucking wives [The Lifetime Channel sure has some weird shows now.]

What is a douche bag? [Kids ask the darndest things.]
douche bag buy cheap wholesale [If you gotta buy it by the gross, maybe you should see a doctor.]


Wyoming naked [Well, what exactly are you looking for?]
naked Wyoming [Are you searching for wide open country, like, unpolluted?]
Wyoming porn [Oh, I see, you're just an average pervert. May I suggest just about any other site but mine. I mean, Jesus, you can't find porn and thought you'd try here?]


what do jenny and alex really want [Two words: Wyoming Porn.]
is woman in hoppers nighthawks smoking or eating [She's eating a candy cigarette. Hopper was very tricky that way.]
if it is possible to delay the interview until monday [No, I'm sorry.]
how to become Baltimore magazine hot singles 2007 [Live in Baltimore. Be outgoing. Be smart. Be successful. Be a little slutty.]


noir surfer [Dude, like, let's find this gnarly black bird and some tasty waves.]
dinosaur noir [Fred Flintstone as Philip Marlowe.]


put your husband in a maid uniform [My husband or yours?]
maid uniform for my husband [Right, because I don't have a husband.]
husband in maids uniform [Wait, am I the husband?]


hump my wife [What's the occasion?]
fucking faithful wife stories [Oh, she's been faithful. Do you have anything special planned?]
hump her throat [Most woman like flowers, but I'm sure she'll still be surprised.]

testifying to congress "skeet skeet" [Do you, Lil' Jon, swear to tell the Crunk, the whole Crunk and nothing but the Crunk? 'Yeah!']
sex-sounds ipod [Please see Lil' Jon's testimony.]
ron Jeremy advice [Look like a hedgehog and have a large cock. Life doesn't get easier than that.]
megan found in motel dead in California [I have an alibi.]
manboob photos [Why aren't these people going to Patrick's and Lyman's blogs?]
hang gliding what wouldn't jesus do [Can you blame him?]
get a copy of the newspaper fuck bush [I'm assuming they're talking about W, or that's one progressive newspaper.]
sexual orientation of caleb carr [Did someone get the cold shoulder?]
cormac mccarthy+dr. sues+knights+actual [WTF?]
"will shortz" kicked my ass [I wouldn't let that get around.]
sperm poem (2 hits) [There's nothing quite like a poem about sperm, isn't that right, Stumpy?]

Friday, January 04, 2008

Man, This Sucks Caucus

Well, now that the Iowa Caucus (or as I called it yesterday, the Iowa Clusterfuck) is over what does it mean? Not much, other than giving the pundits and commentators something to talk about and speculate until Tuesday when New Hampshire holds their primary. (Actually, Wyoming Republicans are holding their caucus this weekend, but who the hell cares about Wyoming? Well, the Republican nominees should since the National Committee decided to punish New Hampshire for moving its primary date to earlier in the year, and cut half of its delegates, which means there are more than twice as many delegates up for graps in the Equality State than the Granite State. But why mess with tradition?

Anyway, how did last night's results look? And how were my predictions?


Totals according to NYTimes this morning:

Obama 37.6%
Edwards 29.7%
Clinton 29.5%
Richardson 2.1%
Biden 0.9%

My prediction:

Clinton 33%
Obama 30%
Edwards 26%

Oops. While Edwards and Hillary are almost tied, Obama cruised ahead, helped in large part, I think, by the caucus system's second choice vote. Many people see Clinton's third place as a warning, but the division between second and third isn't very wide. It will be interesting to look at the polls in New Hampshire now that Iowa has decided. Will an Obama win boost his appeal to primary voters?


Totals according to NYTimes

Huckabee 34.3%
Romney 25.3%
Thompson 13.4%
McCain 13.1%
Paul 10%
Rudy 3.5%
Hunter 0.4%

My prediction:

Huckabee 40%
Romney 26%
McCain 20%
Rudy 12%

Oops, again. OK, so I was right about who would win and who would come in second, but my numbers were off, except for Romney. And where the hell did Thompson come from? Who are these 13% that voted for the guy? Do they still believe the crap that people said about him before he started campaigning, and before he proved to be such a slug?

So at the end of the night we have an overwhelming sense that people want something beyond the status quo, as well as two less candidates (Dodd and Biden). Hopefully Dodd will go back to the Senate and start raising Hell by challenging Harry Reid as Senate Majority Leader. Will the new faces continue their drive toward 1600? I don't know. NH can be pretty conservative state, no just in political terms, but in traditional ways as well. Right now New Hampshire is McCain's to lose. Mitt may have a chance, but Huckabee's momentum will definitely stop in the Granite State. NH voters are fiscal conservatives, not social conservatives. I think the latest NH state logo says something like, "Not only do we turn a blind eye toward sodomy and abortions, we're not even gonna tax you on them." You're not going to find very many evangelicals here. Huck might as well head to South Carolina. New Hampshire will also be a major test for Rudy's campaign. With such a dismal performance in Iowa, if he doesn't receive at least a decent amount of support, he can kiss the nomination good-bye.

The number of nominees may drop after New Hampshire as well. I mean, what is Mike Gravel's campaign running on? Kucinich is nearly running on empty. Richardson may hold on until Feb.5, but barely. Unless these guys receive at least 5%, there's simply no point - and people would be deluding themselves if they thought any of them still had a chance.

So, the fun continues.

The List 01/04/08

Here is the list of things I've read (or at least started to read), listened to or seen over the past week.


I can't get enough of this show.

**** It was everything I was hoping for.

**** Where has this movie been all of my life?

"Beginnings" by Raymond Carver

Thursday, January 03, 2008

I Miss Arrested Development

It Sounds Like a Dirty Word

What's a caucus? Well, I'm glad you asked. While news organizations try desperately to explain this complicated democratic process to the public, or at least the portion of the public that likes to pretend they're paying attention, I'm going to simplifiy it for everyone. When you hear the word caucus just think clusterfuck, as in the Iowa Clusterfuck.

Why a clusterfuck? Well, let's take a closer look. Basically people gather around and play a weird game of Red Rover, and this is how they pick candidates. Well, actually they don't pick the candidates, what they're picking are delegates at the precinct level. Now this is important to understand because these aren't state delegates who will attend the Conventions this summer and declare the state's choice of candidate; no, these people, who are dedicated to a candidate, are chosen to attend the county caucus Red Rover games; at which point the next round of Red Rover takes place at the district level, and after that there is one more of these games to be played at the state level; and it's those guys who go to the conventions to partake in massive amounts of booze and hookers. (Or if you're a confused conservative, closeted homosexual who continually rants about how gay culture is immoral, you'll be entertained to a number of activities in a men's bathroom at the airport in Minneapolis, where it so happens that the 2008 Republican National Conventional will be held in September. Will Larry Craig attend?)

So, isn't easier to call the Iowa Caucus what it really is, a major clusterfuck?

The next question is who will come out ahead tonight. Clinton? Obama? Mitt or Huckabee? Is Edwards still in it? Has the Ron Paul fad passed? Does Kucinich have a snowball chance in Hell? Does McCain? Could Biden or Dodd gain some support? And who the fuck are Duncan Hunter and Mike Gravel? I've never heard of these guys. Is their inclusion a typographical error?

According to most polls Clinton, Obama and Edwards are in a deadheat for the Democratic nomination; while on the Republican side, Mike Huckabee has such a commanding lead over his rivals that he decided to leave the state and cross a WGA picketline to appear on The Tonight Show, essentially giving the finger to American labor unions.

If you're like me, you'll be glued to the screen waiting for the results of this colossal mash up of democracy, biting your nails in anticipation, not daring to guess the winner; but the Hell with it, let's do some predicting.

Dems: Clinton 32%, Obama 30%, Edwards 26%
GOP: Huckabee 40%, Romney 26%, McCain 20%, Giuliani 12%

I wonder if C-SPAN will televise all the candidates getting the Hell out of Iowa after the caucuses are over?