This Should Be an SNL Skit

Who needs the WGA? I doubt anyone could make this shit up.

Here Are Some Words That Rhyme With Corey*

Books, Movies, Albums that have kept me occupied over the past week:








* A gold star to whoever gets this reference

Goodbye Hillary. Oh, Wait...

She ain't crying today. OK, is it that surprising that she did so well in New Hampshire? Yes, Obama gained a huge boost after Iowa, but the scales tipped so dramaticly that it was a bit of a stretch to think that so many people had changed their mind in a matter of a couple of days. Or were people so much on the fence that they didn't truly decide until they were in the ballot booth? Chris Matthews called it one of the greatest upsets in political history. Really? A candidate who was the frontrunner for over a year dips in the polls a few days before the Primary only to win it, and suddenly she's the comeback kid.

I think the media was so hungry for the possible toppling of the big frontrunner that they began to believe and promote that idea. They were hoping for a Howard Dean "heeya!" meltdown. But that didn't happen. What went wrong with the polls? Couldn't have been the media's fault could it? Nah. There has to be another reason, like racism. Yes, since Obama is black (or at least mostly black, maybe 50/50?) the race card comes to the forefront. But it isn't being used by the Obama campaign - they're progressive enough to think beyond using race as a strategy and thinking the American public (or at least those who aren't still fighting the "Northern Aggression") will rely on it as the only deciding factor - no, the race card is being used by the media as an excuse for their failings. That's right. The media didn't count on New Hampshire being populated by racists, that's why the polls didn't match the results.

OK, let's think about this for a moment in terms of demographics. According to exit polls, more women and registered Democrats voted for Hillary, while more men and registered Independents voted for Obama. Using the logic of the race excuse, women and Democrats are more racist than men and Independents. Blacks shouldn't be afraid of The Man, they should be afraid of The Woman. Jesus, it wasn't like these people were voting for David Duke.

Now, if Obama had won, could the state then be considered sexist because they didn't vote for a woman?

What New Hampshire did (and let's not forget, we're not talking about a whole hell of a lot of delegates here) was promote the preception that this is now a two-person race between Obama and Clinton with Edwards hoping to hold on until February 5.

On the Republican side, which doesn't have as much drama as the Democrats, McCain won the same state primary that he won 8 years ago. You mean to tell me that John McCain had support in New Hampshire? This might be the highlight of McCain's campaign. Despite so many people criticizing McCain's speech last night, I thought it was pretty good, maybe a greatest hits version of past speeches, but still good. Not nearly as good as Obama, I mean holy shit that guy can give an incredible speech. Personally, I think McCain is the only good candidate the Republicans have; but I haven't been too keen on the Republicans in quite some time - and considering the legacy the Bush Administration is leaving behind, it will be a long long time before anything Republican seems really appealing, at least until the moderates get their heads out of their asses and do something besides bending over for the social conservative/big business crony nutcases in the GOP.

So, nothing was settled for the Republicans, other than the continued revealing of Romney's Emperor's New Clothes campaign. Then again, if the top spot continues to go to different candidates with Romney holding steady at number 2 each time, he could still win the nomination. Hey, it's a strategy.

So, onward to Michigan and Nevada. Yippee!

Should We Weep for Humanity?

WTF? In the less than 24-hour period since I posted yesterday's little piece on what bizarre searches lead to my blog, these keywords sprout up:

dog fucking stories (twice!)
dog fuck, stories
dog fucking
fucking the neighbors wife short stories (twice!)
Wyoming porn
small stump
hump my stump
wire cameo laura lippman
laura lippman wire cameo

Four people looking for some canine action, one person hoping for dirty pictures from Cheyenne, a couple of people looking for some quality fiction on the carnal activities of the neighborhood and a few surfers hoping to catch their favorite writer on the TV (which of these kids is not like the other?). I guess these are my readers. Maybe I should just accept it and cater to their tastes. So, look out tomorrow when I talk about how to screw the pooch, read some literature on your Wyoming neighbor's wife riding a stump while watching HBO. I'll probably get the most hits ever.

Thirsty?

Search Me

On a lark I checked the keywords people use when they stumble upon this little blog. Want to see what people are searching for? These are swaer-to-god real searches that resulted in hits on my blog.

ALL ABOUT ME

steve allan band [Never been in a band, or at least not since junior high.]
steve allen new york sex [Maybe the next time I'm in town.]
steve allan strippers [All paternity tests came back negetive.]
steve allan released from jail [My friends from the big house trying to reconnect.]
death of steve allan [Explanation, please!]
steve allen, hell [Oh, I hate it when people spoil the ending.]

LOVE THY NEIGHBOR

my neighbor is a prick [Hostile.]
that fucking neibors barking dog [Transference.]
shut next door fucking dogs up [Strategize.]
neighbor shoots barking dog [I love it when a plan comes together.]

LOVING THY NEIGHBOR

stories of fucking my neighbor [Isn't it nice to get along?]
fucking the neighbor stories [Yeah, you mentioned that already.]
fucking story of neighbour [Well, don't wear yourself out.]
fucking my neighbor stories [Can't you think of anything else?]
fucking the neighbors wife short stories (5 hits) [At least you've moved on.]

PUPPY LOVE

stories of dog fucking [I'm sure this type of search is rare.]
story of fucking of dog [It's probably one or two sickos.]
dog fucking stories (2 hits) [Or up to four weirdos.]
fucking dog stories (5 hits) [What the fuck?]
fucking dog blogspot [People will blog about anything.]
storys about wifes fucking dogs [Why are these people coming to my site?]
fucking neighbors dog stories [Is this in place of the neighbor or in addition to?]

STUMPY!

small stump [It's not the size that matters...]
arm stump fuck [Unless we're talking about it in relation to the elbow.]
hump a stump (3 hits) [Sounds like a bumper sticker.]
hump my stump (2 hits) [Sounds too demanding.]
stump fucking wives [The Lifetime Channel sure has some weird shows now.]

FOR THAT NOT SO FRESH FEELING

What is a douche bag? [Kids ask the darndest things.]
douche bag buy cheap wholesale [If you gotta buy it by the gross, maybe you should see a doctor.]

PERVERTED COUNTRY

Wyoming naked [Well, what exactly are you looking for?]
naked Wyoming [Are you searching for wide open country, like, unpolluted?]
Wyoming porn [Oh, I see, you're just an average pervert. May I suggest just about any other site but mine. I mean, Jesus, you can't find porn and thought you'd try here?]

LET ME ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS

what do jenny and alex really want [Two words: Wyoming Porn.]
is woman in hoppers nighthawks smoking or eating [She's eating a candy cigarette. Hopper was very tricky that way.]
if it is possible to delay the interview until monday [No, I'm sorry.]
how to become Baltimore magazine hot singles 2007 [Live in Baltimore. Be outgoing. Be smart. Be successful. Be a little slutty.]

NEW SUB-GENRES

noir surfer [Dude, like, let's find this gnarly black bird and some tasty waves.]
dinosaur noir [Fred Flintstone as Philip Marlowe.]

THIS WILL TEACH HIM

put your husband in a maid uniform [My husband or yours?]
maid uniform for my husband [Right, because I don't have a husband.]
husband in maids uniform [Wait, am I the husband?]

WEDDED BLISS

hump my wife [What's the occasion?]
fucking faithful wife stories [Oh, she's been faithful. Do you have anything special planned?]
hump her throat [Most woman like flowers, but I'm sure she'll still be surprised.]

JUST ODD

testifying to congress "skeet skeet" [Do you, Lil' Jon, swear to tell the Crunk, the whole Crunk and nothing but the Crunk? 'Yeah!']
sex-sounds ipod [Please see Lil' Jon's testimony.]
ron Jeremy advice [Look like a hedgehog and have a large cock. Life doesn't get easier than that.]
megan found in motel dead in California [I have an alibi.]
manboob photos [Why aren't these people going to Patrick's and Lyman's blogs?]
hang gliding what wouldn't jesus do [Can you blame him?]
get a copy of the newspaper fuck bush [I'm assuming they're talking about W, or that's one progressive newspaper.]
sexual orientation of caleb carr [Did someone get the cold shoulder?]
cormac mccarthy+dr. sues+knights+actual [WTF?]
"will shortz" kicked my ass [I wouldn't let that get around.]
sperm poem (2 hits) [There's nothing quite like a poem about sperm, isn't that right, Stumpy?]

Man, This Sucks Caucus

Well, now that the Iowa Caucus (or as I called it yesterday, the Iowa Clusterfuck) is over what does it mean? Not much, other than giving the pundits and commentators something to talk about and speculate until Tuesday when New Hampshire holds their primary. (Actually, Wyoming Republicans are holding their caucus this weekend, but who the hell cares about Wyoming? Well, the Republican nominees should since the National Committee decided to punish New Hampshire for moving its primary date to earlier in the year, and cut half of its delegates, which means there are more than twice as many delegates up for graps in the Equality State than the Granite State. But why mess with tradition?

Anyway, how did last night's results look? And how were my predictions?

Dems

Totals according to NYTimes this morning:

Obama 37.6%
Edwards 29.7%
Clinton 29.5%
Richardson 2.1%
Biden 0.9%

My prediction:

Clinton 33%
Obama 30%
Edwards 26%

Oops. While Edwards and Hillary are almost tied, Obama cruised ahead, helped in large part, I think, by the caucus system's second choice vote. Many people see Clinton's third place as a warning, but the division between second and third isn't very wide. It will be interesting to look at the polls in New Hampshire now that Iowa has decided. Will an Obama win boost his appeal to primary voters?

GOP

Totals according to NYTimes

Huckabee 34.3%
Romney 25.3%
Thompson 13.4%
McCain 13.1%
Paul 10%
Rudy 3.5%
Hunter 0.4%

My prediction:

Huckabee 40%
Romney 26%
McCain 20%
Rudy 12%

Oops, again. OK, so I was right about who would win and who would come in second, but my numbers were off, except for Romney. And where the hell did Thompson come from? Who are these 13% that voted for the guy? Do they still believe the crap that people said about him before he started campaigning, and before he proved to be such a slug?


So at the end of the night we have an overwhelming sense that people want something beyond the status quo, as well as two less candidates (Dodd and Biden). Hopefully Dodd will go back to the Senate and start raising Hell by challenging Harry Reid as Senate Majority Leader. Will the new faces continue their drive toward 1600? I don't know. NH can be pretty conservative state, no just in political terms, but in traditional ways as well. Right now New Hampshire is McCain's to lose. Mitt may have a chance, but Huckabee's momentum will definitely stop in the Granite State. NH voters are fiscal conservatives, not social conservatives. I think the latest NH state logo says something like, "Not only do we turn a blind eye toward sodomy and abortions, we're not even gonna tax you on them." You're not going to find very many evangelicals here. Huck might as well head to South Carolina. New Hampshire will also be a major test for Rudy's campaign. With such a dismal performance in Iowa, if he doesn't receive at least a decent amount of support, he can kiss the nomination good-bye.

The number of nominees may drop after New Hampshire as well. I mean, what is Mike Gravel's campaign running on? Kucinich is nearly running on empty. Richardson may hold on until Feb.5, but barely. Unless these guys receive at least 5%, there's simply no point - and people would be deluding themselves if they thought any of them still had a chance.

So, the fun continues.

The List 01/04/08

Here is the list of things I've read (or at least started to read), listened to or seen over the past week.

16-0!

I can't get enough of this show.

**** It was everything I was hoping for.

**** Where has this movie been all of my life?

"Beginnings" by Raymond Carver

I Miss Arrested Development

It Sounds Like a Dirty Word

What's a caucus? Well, I'm glad you asked. While news organizations try desperately to explain this complicated democratic process to the public, or at least the portion of the public that likes to pretend they're paying attention, I'm going to simplifiy it for everyone. When you hear the word caucus just think clusterfuck, as in the Iowa Clusterfuck.

Why a clusterfuck? Well, let's take a closer look. Basically people gather around and play a weird game of Red Rover, and this is how they pick candidates. Well, actually they don't pick the candidates, what they're picking are delegates at the precinct level. Now this is important to understand because these aren't state delegates who will attend the Conventions this summer and declare the state's choice of candidate; no, these people, who are dedicated to a candidate, are chosen to attend the county caucus Red Rover games; at which point the next round of Red Rover takes place at the district level, and after that there is one more of these games to be played at the state level; and it's those guys who go to the conventions to partake in massive amounts of booze and hookers. (Or if you're a confused conservative, closeted homosexual who continually rants about how gay culture is immoral, you'll be entertained to a number of activities in a men's bathroom at the airport in Minneapolis, where it so happens that the 2008 Republican National Conventional will be held in September. Will Larry Craig attend?)

So, isn't easier to call the Iowa Caucus what it really is, a major clusterfuck?

The next question is who will come out ahead tonight. Clinton? Obama? Mitt or Huckabee? Is Edwards still in it? Has the Ron Paul fad passed? Does Kucinich have a snowball chance in Hell? Does McCain? Could Biden or Dodd gain some support? And who the fuck are Duncan Hunter and Mike Gravel? I've never heard of these guys. Is their inclusion a typographical error?

According to most polls Clinton, Obama and Edwards are in a deadheat for the Democratic nomination; while on the Republican side, Mike Huckabee has such a commanding lead over his rivals that he decided to leave the state and cross a WGA picketline to appear on The Tonight Show, essentially giving the finger to American labor unions.

If you're like me, you'll be glued to the screen waiting for the results of this colossal mash up of democracy, biting your nails in anticipation, not daring to guess the winner; but the Hell with it, let's do some predicting.

Dems: Clinton 32%, Obama 30%, Edwards 26%
GOP: Huckabee 40%, Romney 26%, McCain 20%, Giuliani 12%

I wonder if C-SPAN will televise all the candidates getting the Hell out of Iowa after the caucuses are over?

What I've Been Up To

So, I thought I'd start listing the books, movies and albums I've been enjoying so I can look back after a year and see whatever it was that took up all of my time. I may say something about the listings or maybe rate it (four-stars rating system) or just post a picture without comment.

Here is what I've been watching, reading or listening to over the past week:

Actually Using My Brain

I received an interesting e-mail yesterday from someone looking for help in settling a bet. She wanted to know if Raymond Carver could be considered a noir writer. My answer is below:

Wow. Thanks for thinking of me. As for classifying Carver as noir, it would take a very loose interpretation of the genre to do so. However, I believe noir at times goes beyond its traditional crime fiction roots. Books like "Mildred Pierce" and "Day of the Locust" would fall into this loose definition. (One has to remember that despite the murder in the film version, James M. Cain's "Pierce" doesn't contain a crime at all.) Another novel that qualifies is "They Shoot Horses Don't They?", while it does have a murder trial at the center of the book, the focus is more on the desperate lives of its main characters.

I'm more inclined to classify any dark and tragic story (at least with a modern - or dystopic - setting) as noir or at least containing shades of noir. And I think that's where Carver's stories are, in the shadows of genre.

You will have to forgive me, but my knowledge of Carver is limited to about 15 or so of his stories and Robert Altman's film. I really don't remember the titles of the stories, but hopefully you'll know which stories I'm talking about.

My favorite definition of noir was given to me by a mentor who said that noir fiction is working class tragedy, which could describe Carver's stories. They are very solemn indeed. My favorite of his is the one with the yard sale and record player and the woman who dances - sorry I can't remember the title - but that story is very tragic.

Another story that could be considered noir is "The Train" (I think that's the title), which was a continuation of John Cheever's "Five Forty-Eight", which I consider to be a crime story. The extension of that story that examines a woman who nearly kills her ex-lover is a portrayal of a wouldbe killer; however not the immoral monster that often populate crime fiction, just an ordinary woman brought to the edge.

Many people mistake the hardboiled prose of Raymond Chandler as a necessity for noir fiction, which it is not. Dashiell Hammett's language was very sparse, employing the technique of simple language to express complex subtext - which Carver famously came to perfect and he is best known for. A recent example of using minimalism in noir fiction is the work of Irish crime writer Ken Bruen who is simply a master of sparse language and an appropriate successor to Carver. I've used the techinque myself with satisfying results. Bleak situations that expose emotions so raw and naked cry out for prose that doesn't hide beneath ornate language and description - sometimes it requires writing that lays it bare. So, again, the hardboiled language of Chandler and Mikey Spillaine is not a requirement.

Carver may not find a solid footing among Ross MacDonald or Lawrence Block on the crime fiction shelf, but I don't believe he is far away. Classifications of literature is a funny thing that many people see as absolutes; they think stories must fit in one category only, which is a foolsih notion- however one that is endorsed by booksellers in this country (European bookstores tend to shelf crime fiction with literary fiction. I'm not sure about other genres like sci-fi and romance.)

So, to answer your question, I would tend to say that Carver's writing leans toward noir with the only thing stopping the majority of people from embracing the idea is the presence of crime. Carver could easily incorporate criminals and criminality without loosing an ounce of his power.

Agree? Disagree? Let me know.