Thursday, January 03, 2008

It Sounds Like a Dirty Word

What's a caucus? Well, I'm glad you asked. While news organizations try desperately to explain this complicated democratic process to the public, or at least the portion of the public that likes to pretend they're paying attention, I'm going to simplifiy it for everyone. When you hear the word caucus just think clusterfuck, as in the Iowa Clusterfuck.

Why a clusterfuck? Well, let's take a closer look. Basically people gather around and play a weird game of Red Rover, and this is how they pick candidates. Well, actually they don't pick the candidates, what they're picking are delegates at the precinct level. Now this is important to understand because these aren't state delegates who will attend the Conventions this summer and declare the state's choice of candidate; no, these people, who are dedicated to a candidate, are chosen to attend the county caucus Red Rover games; at which point the next round of Red Rover takes place at the district level, and after that there is one more of these games to be played at the state level; and it's those guys who go to the conventions to partake in massive amounts of booze and hookers. (Or if you're a confused conservative, closeted homosexual who continually rants about how gay culture is immoral, you'll be entertained to a number of activities in a men's bathroom at the airport in Minneapolis, where it so happens that the 2008 Republican National Conventional will be held in September. Will Larry Craig attend?)

So, isn't easier to call the Iowa Caucus what it really is, a major clusterfuck?

The next question is who will come out ahead tonight. Clinton? Obama? Mitt or Huckabee? Is Edwards still in it? Has the Ron Paul fad passed? Does Kucinich have a snowball chance in Hell? Does McCain? Could Biden or Dodd gain some support? And who the fuck are Duncan Hunter and Mike Gravel? I've never heard of these guys. Is their inclusion a typographical error?

According to most polls Clinton, Obama and Edwards are in a deadheat for the Democratic nomination; while on the Republican side, Mike Huckabee has such a commanding lead over his rivals that he decided to leave the state and cross a WGA picketline to appear on The Tonight Show, essentially giving the finger to American labor unions.

If you're like me, you'll be glued to the screen waiting for the results of this colossal mash up of democracy, biting your nails in anticipation, not daring to guess the winner; but the Hell with it, let's do some predicting.

Dems: Clinton 32%, Obama 30%, Edwards 26%
GOP: Huckabee 40%, Romney 26%, McCain 20%, Giuliani 12%

I wonder if C-SPAN will televise all the candidates getting the Hell out of Iowa after the caucuses are over?


pattinase (abbott) said...

In one report I heard, only 6 % of Iowans take part in this. Has ever so much been spent on so few?

Steve Allan said...

Yes, it is a very low turnout. Basically the number of all of the journalists, pundits, campaign workers and out-of-state volunteers almost equals the number of Iowans who participate. Sad, isn't it? Six percent of Iowa, the whole state of which represents about 1 percent of the total U.S. population, gets to decide a lot. And then they all head to New Hampshire, which has only about 1/2 percent of the U.S. population. Like the guy at the end of The River Kwai: Madness. Madness.